Closing Time

I thought I would do more of a closing/goodbye entry this week instead of the Bachelorette Recap!

Before I took this reporting class, I’m not going to lie, I D-R-E-A-D-E-D taking an 8 a.m. SUMMER course. I mean 8 a.m. during the summer is rough. However, this class def. kept me on my toes and constantly kept me going, which I loved!

I was pleasantly surprised in the sense that Geoff required us to go out on site and get a news story and really talk to other people. I got to experience some really cool situations and met some really interesting people that I wouldn’t have met otherwise.

However, I didn’t enjoy the AP Style challenges we were faced with. I came into this class thinking that I knew a lot more about AP Style than I really did. Geoff proved me wrong! I am glad that I’m now more aware of the AP Style and will keep the tips I’ve learned from him for future reference.

I’m almost a little bit sad that this class is over, to be honest. I’m sitting here waiting for the next challenge and there are no more! What will I do with all that extra time in the mornings?

I’ll give you a hint….I won’t be awake!

That enjoyment of sleeping in won’t last for very long though. I’ll get bored very fast. Thank goodness I have a job!

Geoff was great. The class was tough but greatness. I’ll def. be referring him to other students. Dr. Segvic don’t have nothin’ on Geoffy!!

~Kris

Bachelorette Recap Week 4!

Let’s just start out by saying isn’t this season hard to watch?
I mean, OH MY WORD AT THE BORING.
Right?
I like Des, and I even like some of the guys, but I’m just finding it hard to get into it!
Is it just me?
Please…discuss…..

Anyhoo…. let’s just get started….In summary
You suck Ben, and so do you Bryden.
———————————————————————————————————–
The whole gang is off to Munich, Germany.
And the trip to Germany was obviously sponsored by jewel toned hoodie
manufacturers across Europe.

I mean guys!  WOW!
#hoodiesforever
I’m thinking that Northface really missed a sponsorship opportunity here.

Chris gets the first 1:1.

They start making their way through Germany doing lots of stereotypical German things.
You know, eating sausage and drinking beer with some “oompah” thrown in for good measure.
This happened.  Ew.

And of course they managed to wrangle Chris into some typical German attire.  Typical that is if he was living in Germay in the 1800s, in a snow globe, or in a cuckoo clock.

#theyjustlookliketightbermudashortswithsuspenderstome
Back at the house Bryden declares that he is ready to leave.
Not later that day, not in 15 minutes…but right that cotton pickin’ second.
He wanders the streets of Germany looking for Des which I think is HILARIOUS (and a bit reminiscent of Sean screaming Emily’s name in the streets of Prague).
Can’t he just turn to one of the 34 producers that he is with and ask one of them if they would mind calling one of the 76 people that Des is with?
Seems like it might be a bit easier.
Anyway, Bryden feels the need to find Des IN THE MIDDLE OF HER 1:1 WITH ANOTHER GUY to tell her that he’s just not that into her.
Bryden, you suck.
I LOVED how Des was totally nonchalant about it and was all like “Okay.  Bye Bryden.”
That’s right Bryden!  You and your hair can just get on outta here.

And speaking of hair…WHAT THE FRACK is going on with Michael’s hair back at the hotel?
Is Germany known for humidity?

#yourhairisjackedupdude

The group date card is read, and by process of elimination it is determined that Ben and Michael will be going on the 2:1 with Des.
The Federal Prosecuter in Mikey declares that he is going to convict Ben of being a fraud…
and oh yeah, he is also going to, AND I QUOTE “murder Ben”.
Now Michael, I don’t claim to know a lot about the inner-workings of our judicial system…
but I have watched a lot of CSI in my day, and I think that’s what they call premeditation.
Something that you want to try to steer clear from whenever possible.

Back to the date with Chris.
They go to a private formal dinner, and Chris says he is excited about not worrying about anything…
Not even about when he has to go to bed or when he has to brush his teeth.
what?
#Ich bin so verwirrt
#i’msoconfused
Do you normally worry about brushing your teeth?
Anyway, Chris writes her poem (no shocker there), and she is obviously touched by his sweetness.
Now, hold on to your seats people…..the producers have a big surprise up their sleeve.
It’s a private concert.
A private concert!
I know.
This is totally unprecedented.
Oh wait, I think this is already like the 17th private concert this season.
He gets a rose, declares he is falling in love and he believes that she is too.
He states that she doesn’t have to actually say it,
but that he will see it in her eyes and feel it through her kisses.
#you’reasweetguybutit’snevergonnahappen

On to the group date.

The whole crew is heading to the top of a mountain on a gondola.
Here’s my summary of the group date:
mountains
snow
yodeling
sledding
hats
coats
snowball fights
ice house
snowmen
Zac telling Des he almost became a priest
(shirtless and pantless priests are generally not supported by other members of the clergy)
clouds
cold
Yep…that about sums up the group date.
Oh, and Brooks gets the rose.

Ben, Michael, and Chris are back at the hotel.
LOTS of akward silence and jaw clenching from Michael G.
The 2:1 date card comes and Chris reads it:
2 guys.  1 rose.  1 stays, 1 goes.
The same poem every year.
CHRIS!  Can’t you put your poetry skills to good use and come up with something new and different?

Time for Michael G and Ben to go on their 2:1.

Michael claims he is going to find Ben guilty of “impersonation of a Southern gentleman.”
I might have laughed out loud when he said that.
The 3 of them sit on a bench together sipping on a hot toddy of some sort, and if you thought things were awkward before, you ain’t seen nothin yet.
Ben is trying to be funny and he talks about how “Texas is so flat that you can watch your dog run away for 3 days.”
And I’m telling you…..there were crickets.
Desiree wears a crocheted beret and acts like they are going to do the Polar Bear plunge, but instead they get in a Hot Tub…which looks like a lot fun actually!  But it wasn’t.
Just take a look at how miserable everybody is.

So, here’s the deal, if I were Desiree, I’m pretty sure I would have jumped right out of the hot tub into the ice cold water just to get away from Michael prosecuting Ben.  Yes.  Hypothermia would have sounded like a welcome break from these 2.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like Ben (I’m sure he’s lovely in person…I just don’t like how is is coming off on the show)…but I think Michael went about things all wrong.

We take a quick break from all of the hot tub awkwardness by cutting to all the guys back at the hotel. Drew and some of the other guys are having some pillow talk about a conversation that some of them overheard between Mikey and James.
It’s seems as if James might not be there for the right reasons…but I don’t even care!

Anyway, this is what I got from all of the James talk:

*James thinks he is the king of Chicago
*he know lots of rich and tall women
*he wants to go boating with said women

Back to the 2:1 date.
#killme,killmenow

When we get back to the 2:1, these 3 are sitting down to an intimate dinner.
And by intimate, I mean the worst and most awkward situation you have ever been in or will ever be in times infinity.

At the moment Michael first opens his mouth, Desiree wants the ground to swallow her up whole.
If Ben ends up dead in a couple of weeks, I’m going to go ahead and call it now.
Michael, in the frigid cold waters, with the hot tug.
Michael berates Ben about his lack of parenting, about his ability to make friends, and about the fact that he didn’t attend church on Easter….all the while taking angry bites of his food.
And listen, it’s not WHAT Michael is saying.  It’s HOW he is saying it all.
He needs work on his delivery.  It was a big turn off.
The crazy thing is, Michael didn’t even air Ben’s biggest grievance of all….
that’s right…you guessed it….the black muscle tank.

Yep.
That would have been CASE CLOSED for me.
Lock him up and throw away the key.

I was thinking that Des really might let both of them go…but she just lets Ben go.
And when she does, Ben didn’t do himself any favors in the eyes of America.

Here are a couple of his quotes during his exit:
“F this”
“Do you want me to sit here and look unhappy?  I’m not.”
“The fact that Michael made it farther than me.  Wow.”
“You guys missed out.  The single dad from Texas.”
And then….my favorite part….
he waves at the camera with BOTH hands and says “Hi Hollywood”.

Finally, finally, finally people! The true REAL LIFE Ben comes out.
The tool that everyone witnesses on their Friday and Saturday nights bartending in Uptown shows his true colors. And let me tell you first hand, it may not be Hollywood he’s getting his attention from but I think it’s safe to say he’s enjoying his 15 seconds of fame back at home.
P.S. Ben, you’re a lot more attractive on-camera. Oh yeah, and you still suck.
Chris and Des sit down for a bit before the rose ceremony.
She admits that the 2 people she likes kissing the most are Brooks and Zak.
Something tells me that they will both be in the top 3!

Drew can’t wait to pull Des aside and tell her about James’s intentions…
but Des drops a bomb and says there isn’t going to be a cocktail party.
Dun dun dun.

Des keeps James.
She lets Mikey go.
The End.
Until next week.
Ugh.

~Kristy

Bachelorette Week 3 Recap!

First up, Des has scheduled a friendly game of Dodgeball for the first group date.
(Let the record show, there is NO SUCH THING as a friendly game of Dodgeball.)
Let the record also show that when Des introduced us to the Dodgeball Association of America (or whatever they were called), I suddenly became a dodgeball fan.
I now HEART dodgeball.
You too?
Hmmm.  Interesting.

After the bachelor boys got SCHOOLED by the NDA (National Dodgeball Association, duh),they were told they were going to play each other and the winning team would get extra time with Des. The guys showed up in proper Dodgeball attire of course (see pic below).

The best 2 out of 3 would win.
Red won 1, and blue won 1.
It was time for the 3rd game.
Mikey, the FEDERAL PROSECUTER stated,and I quote….
“Now the final game comes…….  This…… is it.  This is for all ……….all the marbles.  And what we think are marbles ……..would be ………….all the minutes with Desiree later in the night.”
Wow.
He is really a wizard with words.
I would love to see this guy in a courtroom.

#yourhonorhowdoyoutakethisguyseriouslywiththishairthatgetstallerandmorefullofbodywitheachepisode?

So, they are fighting to the death in the 3rd game, and Brooks breaks his finger.
THEY ARE PLAYING FOR ALL THE MARBLES FOR CRYING OUT LOUD and he goes and breaks his finger.
#medic
#mandown
And I understand a broken finger would hurt, I really really do.
BUT COME ON BROOKS!  MAN UP!
Haven’t you heard that you’re playing for ALL THE MARBLES buddy?!?!
I will have to say that I might have laughed when he strolled back into the party, maybe a little high on some pain meds, holding his injured finger up in the air like his life depended on it, still in his dodgeball attire.  I mean, come on.  The guy looks seriously loopy.

#shortshortsandsweatbandsforever

Then it was time for Brad to get a little bit of alone time with Des.
He led with “I have some things to tell you.”
Topping the list, I have a kid.
A close second, I was arrested of domestic violence.
And finally, I had a restraining order filed against me.
Cool.

In his defense, I will say it sounds his baby mama night be a little cray cray.
He actually seemed sweet.

Chris, who I don’t think I’ve ever seen before, stole her away and took her to a rooftop.
WHO ARE YOU CHRIS?

Chris got the rose which means he got some extra time with Des with a private concert.
They danced, and Brandon was a bit of a creeper again looking over the brick wall to catch a glimpse of them.

Next up…..
Harrison calls Des with what just might be THE MOST DRAMATIC PHONE CALL EVER.

Brace yourselves.
Somebody has a girlfriend.
dun. dun. dun.
SHOCKER.
This is now part of The Bachelor/Bachelorette formula, so let’s not even act surprised mmm’kay?
Every season SOMEBODY has a girlfriend or boyfriend back home.
This season it is Brian.
And lucky us, this time the girlfriend back home seems as if she is involved in community theater and currently auditioning for some play where she is a woman scorned.
She wanted us to know that she meant business by wearing leather pants.
Not really a fan of the pants or her theatrics.
do like her sensible blazer.

#asensibleblazerisalwaysagoodfashionchoice
#youknowiloveagoodblazer

The two went back and forth..and back and forth…and back and forth about if they were actually an item, if they were together the day before he left….if he had ever told her where he was going to be on The Bachelorette.
Well, it finally came out at the end that he had told her he was going on a business trip.
Ouch.
And apparently, although seconds earlier he had claimed they weren’t together, they had in fact done the big wiggle (what my Young Life leader in high school called it!  ha!) the night before.
Double Ouch.

And you guys, twitter was blowing up with “WE WERE ON A BREAK”!
LOVE a good friend’s reference.  :)

All of the guys were acting upset, but you know they were secretly high-fiving each other for sure.
All but Brandon that is.
Poor Brandon really does seem to have some deeply rooted pain.
I feel sorry for the guy.

Kasey (aka HASHTAG) gets the next 1:1 date.
They dance off the side of a building, except they don’t so much dance as they do just hang there and wish they could be anywhere else.
They moved the date to dinner on the roof.
And that’s when Mother Nature decided to shut her down.
Then they decided to go for a swim.
Too cold.
Too windy.
Not enough towels can be piled on your head to encourage an appropriate body temperature (although they did give this idea a whirl).

Hashtag got a rose.
#ireallymisshisverbalhashtags

The next group date was sponsored by The Lone Ranger (a new movie coming out) and stunt guys from the movie were going to teach the guys how to  “quick draw a pistol”.
The jokes pretty much write themselves.
The date also appears to be sponsored by Hanes (see below pic).

And if you thought thought they were cute in their t-shirts, check them out in their western duds.

#yeehaw
#ride’emcowboy
#giddyup

I thought the guys were all really funny during their spotlight scenes with Des, and they all seemed very likeable. It also seemed like they were having fun with each other., which I enjoyed.

I tell you what else I enjoyed.
The internal feelings of “I Told You So” that were bubbling up within me.
LADIES!
When I’m right, I’m right.
HIGH FIVE FOR THE COWBOY HAT AND HAT HEAD!
Before the cowboy hat……………………..During the cowboy hat……………………After the cowboy hat

I mean, you guys!
THAT IS A STUNNING TRANSFORMATION!
I’m not sure if it was hat head and just a happy mistake, or if somebody got ahold of Bryden and gently recommended he comb his hair to the side and for the love of all that is good and right with the worldapply some product.
I don’t care how it happened, I just want to be thankful that it happened.
Shame on Chris Harrison for not pulling him aside sooner and just explaining
the merits of a side part to him.

Let’s also take a minute to look at the cutest little buckaroo that you ever did see.
Are you kidding me with the cuteness?
Shirtless Zac looks like he is straight off of Little House On The Prarie.
And you know I love me some Little House On The Prarie.

Rico Suave (I mean Juan Pablo) scored some alone time with Des, and to everybody’s surprise (and when I say everybody, I mean NOBODY) they had some chemistry!
They watched a movie, ate popcorn, and then picked the popcorn kernels out of each other’s teeth with their tongues.

Chris came in with some big news:  The cocktail party was cancelled, and a pool party scheduled.
And Ben decided that this would be the perfect time to woo her with his awesome tank top.

Oh, Ben – Jane Fonda called.
#shewantsherleotardback

Ben actually whisked her off in the Bentley before she could walk into the pool party.
When they arrived back at the mansion he did this creepy “shhhhhh” thing (see above)….
And then, as if they were placed there by producers (DUH!), beefcake boy and the attorney are at the gate and just “happen” to see Tank Top return with Des.
The boys are not happy and plan to let Ben know about it.

Brandon has a seriously awkward encounter with Des, and yet he is 100% for sure that he is on steady ground with Des (which if you have ever watched the Bachelor, you know he is 100% going to need to go ahead and pack his bags).

Time for the rose ceremony.
So who was sent on their way this week?
Brian was of course let go after THE MOST DRAMATIC PHONE CALL EVER.
And then Brandon and Dan were ousted.
And by the look on his face, nobody was more surprised than Brandon when he was sent home.

#poorBrandon
#iwanttorockhimlikeababyandtellhimeverythingwillbeokay
#butwheni’mrockinghimlikeababyialsokindawanttotellhimtoshutup

That’s all until next week! :)

~Kris

Bachelorette Week 2 Recap!

I will say this to kick off the night.
#imissthefactthathashtagguywasn’thashtaggingallovertheplace
#absencemakestheheartgrowfonder
#imighthavetothrowinahashtaghereandthere
#becauselet’sbehonest,hashtagsarefun
I’m struck at the very beginning of the episode how Des said
“I really couldn’t have picked a better group of guys.”
Des.
Did you black out in the first episode?
I think you’re selling yourself a little short, but I’m still super hopeful that as the season goes on we will fall in love with at least a couple of them.  We always do, right?
My first thought this episode is that No Shirt Zac is looking SUPER cute.
He doesn’t get much air time this episode, and I’m left wanting more!
He even looks cute with his eyes closed, and I love a baseball t.

Brooks got the first 1:1.
Uh oh.  The first date is at a bridal salon.
The awkward meter immediately started firing off in my head….
But Brooks totally rolled with it and they just had fun.

I really liked him on the date!

First stop, bridal salon.
Next stop, food truck for wedding cake.
Third stop, the second L of the Hollywood sign for a picnic in their wedding attire..

Fourth stop, private candlelit dinner at the end of a blocked off street with (I know this is going to be shocking) a private concert at the end of the street.

If the number of dimples Brooks has is any indication of his longevity in the competition, then homeboy is going to stick around for awhile.
#there’snothinwrongwithdimples
#amirightladies?
I thought that their conversation about their families and marriage was really sweet.
I think he’s gonna go far, but if he doesn’t get the final rose, he will totally get a contract with Crest.
Right?
#thosedimples #thoseteeth #toothpastecontract

And if the toothpaste companies don’t come calling, I’m thinking Pantene is probably next in line.
Although, I will throw it out there that his hair may have had a touch too much product in it.
Still, well done Brooks.
You won me over on this date.
Next is the big group date.
Harrison shows up to hand out the group date card, and there seemed to have been an impromptu colored v-neck competition going on.
And these 3 are all IN IT TO WIN IT.

I would like to declare Mikey the winner.
Sun-washed pink DEEP v-neck FOR THE WIN Mikey!

The producers outdid themselves with the group date.

The fellas (did you notice how many times they said “fellas” last night?  I felt like I was watching PeeWee’s playhouse and it was the word of the day) were going to film a music video with
Soulja Boy.
The idea of all of these seriously white boys dancing with Soulja Boy had me giddy with anticipation.
And the date did not disappoint.
I do want to put it out there that I am feeling super sorry for Soulja Boy at this juncture in his career.
And let’s just take a moment to look at his shoes.
They confuse me.

Come on.
This is t.v. gold.

The title of the video is “Here for the right reasons” and you will hear that phrase approximately 12,376 times over the course of the show.
They had different guys rapping as if they were former contestants.
Not good with the names yet, so bare with me.
One guy talked about “pulling a Mesnick”.
They had Brandon talking about “guarding and protecting her heart”.
They put this poor guy in panties and a vest, and he actually used the phrase “jiggle my junk” at one point.  I may or may not have crawled under my kitchen table and started rocking back and forth.
And please pay special attention to the middle picture.
Why?
Why in the world was he sitting spread eagle sans pants?
Why?
Why?

Before moving on, let’s go back to panty boy for a second.
This is the SAME GUY.

#hismamawasright,heisgoodlookin’
The video is over and it’s time to go to the cocktail party.
No shirt Zac has a shirt on.
He actually seems super sweet,
and I think he did a great job redeeming himself from the clothes embargo.
I’m not really sure about the whole used journal thing.  I couldn’t get Dad and Cara out of my head.  Who were these people?  Could they possibly be watching?  Could Dad be looking over at Cara like WHAT THE HECK?
Or, and just go with me here,
could it be possible that one of the producers just picked up an empty journal at Barnes and Noble, scribbled a little note on it, and then gave it to Zac to give to Des.
It’s possible.

Ben has some alone time Des, and he gets a kiss.
And here is where I would like to address the editing department.
Dear Editing Department,
I don’t like hearing the kissing sounds.
Where are their microphones?  In their mouths?
The sounds kind of make my gag reflex kick up.
Please, I beg you, turn the volume down.
If I have to see tongues, I would prefer not to hear them too.
Sincerely,
Sheaffer
Bryden got the second 1:1.
And I must again request for somebody to hand me some gel.

The date was fine.

But that’s all it was.  Just fine.
I didn’t see a real spark.
He told us about a horrible accident he was in.  And his show-and-tell was complete with visual aids of the accident scene and his injuries.
#ifyouwanttobeonthebachelorette,youbetterhaveabackstory
After they have dinner they head to the hot tub (the first hot tub scene of the season)!

I found myself trying to telepathically communicate with Des and will her to just slowly lean in for a kiss and gently tousle his hair a little bit.
That’s all it needs!  Just a good tousle!
COME ON DES!
Run your fingers through his hair already!!!!
And maybe have a little bit of product close by.

#alittledabwilldoya

I did love it when Des said “just kiss me already”.
THANK YOU DES!
I was going to hide under a blanket if the two of them just kept going back and forth like they were.
The conversation went something like this….
Des:  This was fun.
Bryden:  Yeah.  It was fun.
Des:  I really enjoyed myself.
Bryden:  Me too.  It was fun.
Des: I’m really glad you went on this date with me.
Bryden:  This sure has been a lot of fun.
It was riveting.
But then Des was all like “KISS ME ALREADY.”
Go girl.
Ooh wait, I just had an idea.
Maybe Brooks can just casually stroll by and rub his head on Bryden’s and transfer some of his product to Bryden.
That could work.

Now it’s cocktail party time, which should really just be known as
THE PARADE OF MALADIES.

EVERYBODY had a story of personal growth and eventual triumph.
We already heard about Bryden’s accident.
Brandon then told us how he raised his family because his dad left and his mom was a drug addict.
(I did feel awful for Brandon.  I can’t imagine.  Good for him for coming out of it!)

And then Cutie Patootie Michael G. pulled Des aside at the cocktail party and was telling her about the fact that he has Type 1 Diabetes.

found on google image, but couldn’t fine original source
This was the point that @Possessionista encouraged everybody to tweet their maladies.
If you don’t follow @Possessionista on twitter, that’s a crying shame.
She is SO MUCH FUN to follow during The Bachelor.

Some of my favorites:
I can never shave my knees correctly.  #thestruggle
I wore head gear in middle school.  My mom laughed at me.
Irrational fear of popsicle sticks.
I have seasonal allergies.
I think my cat might be bullimic.

Because let’s be honest, if you are going to be on The Bachelor series, you totally need a back story.
I thought on it for a minute, and here’s mine:

I have a really small bladder.
really small bladder.
Like, stupid small.
#it’sharderthanyouthinkandit’ssomethingidealwitheachandeveryday
Right in the middle of Michael’s diabetes story, Ben swooped in and stole Des right out from under him….EVEN THOUGH BEN ALREADY HAD A ROSE.

And let me just say, I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a group of guys get more collectively fired up.

Not a one of them appreciated the swoopage.
Actually, to say that they were FIRED UP would be like saying that the sun is lukewarm.
I think it’s safe to say that the guys are not a fan of Ben.
I’m not totally sure why (although I do agree since he already had a rose he should have stepped aside a bit)..but if The Bachelor series has taught us anything, it’s to trust the majority in the house.
So, right now I’m still a fan of Ben,
but I want to recognize that I know that most likely won’t last long.
Who went home?
1)  the yoga dude
2)  Zach Morris
3)  some guy I’ve never seen before

I do already have something to say about next week’s episode.
I’ve now decided I don’t like Ben either.
HOW COULD I?

Did we learn nothing from Ryan’s unfortunate wardrobe choice?

UPDATE: In Ben’s description subcaption box, it says he is an entrepreneur and it comes out that he owns a bar in Dallas, TX. Well I don’t know what his definition of being an owner of a business is but I don’t think being a weekend bartender at the bar he says he “owns” classifies as being an “owner”. (Especially when the actual owner of the bar seriously dated one of my very close friends and confirmed this information.) Nice try Benny boy. You are officially one of Dallas’ finest tools.
~
Okay…that’s all for The Bachelorette this week!
~Kris

Bachelorette Season Des Recap 1!

Okay….so on Monday evening before The Bachelorette started, I was feeling a little down.
Why?
Well, I knew that the 2 main things that made last season sooooooo enjoyable for me weren’t going to be there this season.
First up, this guy.
Sean has been in my living room Monday nights for what seems like a sweet forever (first The Bachelorette, then The Bachelor, and then Dancing With The Stars).
I shall miss him.

Second, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t going to miss this sparkly and crazy girl.
Because I am.
I totally totally am.
Tierra was that hard to come by blend of sweet at first glance yet totally and completely psychotic
that was oh so much fun to watch.
Let’s just all keep our fingers crossed that one of the guys will “fall” down the stairs, get frostbite, and had parents that told him as he was growing up that he had a special kind of sparkle.
Plain and simple, that mix makes for some good t.v.

Dear Zac,
Put on some pants and stop drinking coffee on your tiny balcony.
It’s weird. :)
Love,
America

Okay…it’s limo time people!
Des looked gorgeous, and I loved how bubbly she was.  At this point in her journey, she is genuinely excited about the possibilities to come and that is fun to watch.
(It takes at least a handful of  episodes before she will become jaded and start to question if she should have ever signed up for this or not.)
After seeing the guys exit the limo, there is something that I know to be true.
ABC has an INTENSE screening process to find just the right mix of super white teeth, dazzling smiles, perfectly sculpted abs, and well-coiffed hair….
with just enough of a smattering of loser, pathetic, and crazy to make it interesting.
Make no mistake, their extensive screening process doesn’t so much
weed out the crazy as it does find the crazy.
Well done ABC.

Now let’s meet some guys!
(I’m not going to talk about every guy tonight…just the ones that stood out for one reason or another.)

Drew was first out of the limo and seemed super sweet.
He was a little nervous, but CUTE nervous.
He was genuine and didn’t have any stupid gimmicks.  I appreciated that.
I like him.

Brooks was the next guy out of the limo.
I google imaged him (it’s a verb), and I found this.
First picture?  “eh”
Second picture?  “huhmuhnuh huhmuhnuh”

Michael was the guy that looked for Des’s penny in the fountain.
Gimmicky?  Yes.
But I thought looking for her penny for a “do-over”  was actually pretty cute.
Plus, DARLING.

This next guy’s name is Kasey, and he is apparently an advertising exec in Social Media.
How do I know this?
#becauseheactuallysayshashtagallthetime
#omgquitsayinghashtagoutloud

#seriouslyfortheloveofallthatisgoodandtruequitsayinghashtag
Really, I wouldn’t have minded him just doing it in the intro…but no need to do it all night long.
And now I feel sorry for you guys,
because I suddenly feel the need to connect a hashtag to all of the remaining guys.
#totallynotmyfault
#blamethehashtagguy

This next guy, Jonathan, came in with all guns blazing and immediately offered sweet  Des an opportunity to head to the fantasy suite with him.

Jonathan on The Bachelorette 2013

I actually felt a little sorry for fantasy suite boy (at first).  Am I the only one?
COME ON PEOPLE!
It’s not like Jonathan came up with this stunt on his own!
One of my good friends who shall remain nameless (but you might know her because her brother was the last Bachelor) would like to remind everybody that the producers are the
puppeteers of the limo exits.
It was the PRODUCERS that put a wedding dress on Lindsay last season.
It was the PRODUCERS that gave Jeff a skateboard.
Do you think Kalon chartered his own helipoter?  Um no.  That would be the PRODUCERS.
It was the PRODUCERS that handed the egg guy the egg.
PRODUCERS people!
Jonathan was just doing what the producers most likely assured him would be a really great and memorable way to meet Des.
Repeat after me future Bachelor and Bachelorette hopefuls:
NEVER TRUST THE PRODUCERS!

Anyway, Jonathan offered her a one way ticket to the fantasy suite, but Des SHUT ER DOWN.
Oh yes ma’m she did.
And THIS is where Jonathan’s chances officially began to crumble.
At that point, Jonathan should have been all,
“Good for you!  Make me chase you!” or something like that.
But his reaction was a little weird.  He was all “No?” and seemed genuinely surprised she wasn’t ready to leap into his arms and take him to bed.
#nevertrusttheproducersjonathan

Zac popped out of the limo and asked Des if she would accept his abs.
And just fyi….if you’re keeping track….Zac was also the guy in the intro with no pants.
#whatdoeszachaveagainstclothes?

#putyourshirtbackonZac

Dr. Larry is next out of the limo.

And one of the first phrases out of his mouth is “I love to dance.”
{Please leave a comment if you loved the movie Girls Just Wanna Have Fun and can see Sarah Jessica Parker’s character in her catholic school uniform saying that exact phrase.}
Best. Movie. Ever.
In my eyes, it’s totally up there with Goonies.

Okay…so Dr. Larry proclaims his love of dance and then proceeds to spin Desiree and try to dip her.
However, there was an unforeseen complication, and her dress got stuck under her heel.
Not a big deal at all.
It was a non incident.
But Dr. Larry thought otherwise.
The good doctor was rattled.
#getaholdofyourselfLarry
I feel like Larry is the guy that if you did go out with him, and then you did break up with him, he would still call and text like 20 times a day…
and sing a song outside your window….
and wait for you by your car for you to get off work…
and take pictures of you with a telephoto lens.
Did anybody else get that vibe?
#desireeprobablyneedsarestrainingorderfordr.larry

Nick is the magician/tailor.
In his intro piece the cuffs on his shirt were monogrammed.

#notcooltowearamonogramifyou’readude

The Knight in Shining Armor guy.
Dude in Armor on Desiree's Promo
#therearenowords
#ibettherewassomeseriouschafing
#squeak

The proposal/tying shoe guy was next.
Not bad. Super cheesy, but he was still kinda cute.

Nick M. read her this poem he had written:
Des,
After watching you at the end of last season,
I know I’m here for the right reason.
The way you showed such genuine emotion,
made my heart flutter like waves in the ocean.
#rosesareredvioletsareblue,thatwaskindapainfultowatch

Next up, Ben and Brody.
I thought Ben seemed genuine.
And Brody?  CUTE as a button!
Ben said, “I want you to know exactly who I’m talking about when I talk about Brody,
because I talk about him a lot.”
#awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

However, did anybody see Daddy Ben waving a BIG HUGE GIANT red flag
during the cocktail party?!?
He said he is best friends with his son’s mother?
Huh?
That she’s a great girl?
Huh?
I have some more questions for you Ben because you aren’t making much sense to me right now.
Ben, listen to me because I’m talking to you!
You’re cute, and you seem sweet…..but I’m thinking there’s gonna be a back story with you.
A back story where I will end up being wildly disappointed.
#whatareyouhidingben?
#whyaren’tyouwithyourbabymama?

Ben Scott on The Bachelorette 2013

After meeting all the guys, we are told that there are 19 roses to give out….
but I’m thinking she only needs like 3 or 4.
I’m sure I’ll end up liking more of the guys as the season unfolds (I always do), but tonight….
#notsuperimpressed.
However, I can’t say that I have ever been wildly impressed with the people on the first show, and most often several of them end up winning me over!

After  enduring all of the akward “hello” moments, it was time to head inside for the cocktail party.
But don’t worry, the akward is far from over….
and so are the hashtags.
#luckyyouguys

The hashtag guy kicks it off by saying
“hashtag, I want a rose”
Yeah.  Yeah he did.

Then the magician got things rolling by “making Des disappear – for about 5 minutes” with him for some alone time.
I actually thought that was pretty funny!
#smoothemovemagicboy

Some guy admits he thinks Des is his future wife because he “knows what he is feeling”.
#there’salwaysoneguy

then a guy danced
then another guy named a star after Desiree

Then abs guy jumped in the pool and everybody scattered.

Hashtag guy said “hashtag streakage”.
#somebodythrowthisguyatowel
Des did have mercy on him and gave him a rose for jumping in. :)

Bryden made an impression on Des and he got a rose!
I think he seems like a great guy (love that he is military), and he told a great story about a kid he met in Iraq and how he felt like he made a positive impact in that kid’s life.
But I couldn’t stop thinking how I wanted to spike his hair up a little bit?
Am I right?

#somebodyhandmeacombandsomegelbecauseireallylikethisguy
Happy Des gave him a rose!

Then came the time for what I like to call “The beginning of the end for Dr. Larry.”
Dr. Larry started to openly freak out to the other guys about what he
remembers as the dance move debacle.
#itreallywasn’tabigdealLarry
#chillout
Dr. Larry then got some alone time with Des.
#nervouslaughter
He took his glasses off and put them back on like 20 times,
and he informed her (in a very quiet voice) that he wanted to apologize.
He then waxed on about he couldn’t believe how he screwed everything up.
DUDE!
She ALMOST tripped.
ALMOST!

Can you imagine having this guy as your ER doctor?
If this is how he copes with an ALMOST trip,
how is he going to react when I am bleeding out on his table?
#codeblue

The fantasy suite guy talked about his plans, and I quote, to “kiss Des on the mouth”.
#weirdo
#puke
Des pretty much put the smackdown on his whole fantasy suite idea when he got out of the limo, and that should have been the end of it.
But noooooooooooooooo.
Probably 30 or so of the people behind the cameras were encouraging him to
offer the fantasy suite again.
So he continued to push on.
He proclaimed that he thinks he’s kinda fun and his “mom thinks he’s good looking”.
Des finally got annoyed enough to send him packing.
#nomeansno

Other guys that were sent home:
1)  Dr. Larry
#nosurprisethere
He admitted to practicing the dip around 50x with different people and that only a couple of them had any trouble with his moves.  I actually felt sorry for him in his exit interview.
Still, if I ever look up in a hospital and see his face, I will politely ask for another medical professional
#NURSE!
2)  The Magician.
#hecouldn’tpullaroseoutofhishat
I did think his exit interview was classy and that he handled himself nicely.
3)  The Knight in Shining Armor.
This guy made me want to cry.  He was beating himself up so badly for wearing the knight costume, and I just felt awful for him. He seemed so tender-hearted.
#don’tcryyou’llrust

Well…that’s it for the first show!
I know that some favorites will emerge…and some crazy will definitely rear it’s ugly (but super fun) head…
I’m just happy to be along for the ride with Des.
#andipromiseiwon’tusehashtagsallseasonlong

~Kris