The Forgetting

My biggest frustration as an Alzheimer’s caregiver is grandma constantly moving things.  It’s really the only thing that drives me to anger then tears.

I woke up this morning actually hungry.  I had a new carton of lovely Greek yogurt that I was craving.  Greek yogurt is a thick, tangy concoction, traditionally eaten with honey.  A few months ago a purchased a giant jar of locally collected honey, fragrant and delicious, just for this purpose.  This morning it was gone.

I searched the kitchen for it. All the cabinets, all the counter tops, the fridge.  I even searched the utility room, which is grandma’s default place for moving things she perceives to be in her way.  I was tired, groggy and hungry, and the more I searched the angrier I got.  I started slamming doors and muttering desperately, “I just want some honey.  That’s all I want.”  I eventually gave up on my pipe-dream of actual food, and grabbed a meal replacement shake instead.

By the time I sat down at my computer I was in tears.  I was actually going to make good on my commitment to eat real food, and I was thwarted.  I know it’s not her fault.  I know it’s normal for me to feel anger and frustration.  But oh, how it hurts to know my despair is so close to the surface these days.

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